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2018 anders beginnen begint van binnen. Kijk eens door een andere lens!

Met ons denken creëren we onze werkelijkheid.
We staan daar niet altijd zo bij stil en denken misschien dat de werkelijkheid er al is. De vraag is echter of we de werkelijkheid kunnen kennen. Dat is, lijkt mij, een vraag voor de wetenschap, maar persoonlijk denk ik van niet. Naar mijn idee ziet een ieder de wereld door zijn eigen ogen en kleurt daarmee de werkelijkheid in. Dat brengt mij gelijk bij de ideeën die we hebben over Goed of Fout. Ik denk dat het indelen van mensen en hun gedrag in Goed en Fout ook afhangt van hoe je er naar kijkt. Regen is fijn voor de boer maar vervelend voor de vakantieganger. De vrijheidsstrijder is voor de een een held en voor de ander een terrorist. Wat goed en fout is wordt snel een ethische discussie waarover de standpunten verdeeld blijven. En daar gaat het mij om. Het leidt wellicht tot een interessante discussie maar het leidt niet noodzakelijk tot een beter onderling begrip, meer verbondenheid, samenwerking of een betere wereld. Onderwerp je je in of na zo’n discussie aan de mening van een ander of verzet je je juist daartegen?Conformeren of Rebelleren
Marshall Rosenberg vertelt in zijn boek “Raising children Compassionatly” daarover het volgende verhaal.

  1. “Now of course, our children are often going to be in situations where they’re not going to receive this unconditional acceptance and respect and love. They’re going to be in schools, perhaps, where the teachers are using a form of authority that’s based on other ways of thinking, namely that you have to earn respect and love—that you deserve to be punished or blamed if you don’t behave in a certain way. So one of our tasks as parents is to show our children a way of staying human, even when they are being exposed to others who are using a form of coercion.
  2. One of my happiest days as a parent was when my oldest son went off to a neighborhood school. He was twelve years old at the time. He had just finished six years in a school where I’d helped train the teachers, a school based on principles of Nonviolent Communication where people were expected to do things not because of punishment or reward, but because they saw how it was contributing to their own and other people’s well-being, where evaluation was in terms of needs and requests, not in terms of judgments. So this was going to be quite a different experience for him after six years in such a school, to go to the neighborhood school, which I’m sad to say wasn’t functioning in a way that I would have liked. But before he had gone off to this school, I had tried to provide him with some understanding of why teachers in this school might be communicating and behaving in a different way, and I tried to provide him with some skills for handling that situation should it occur.
  3. When he came home from school the first day I was delighted to find out how he had used what I had offered him. I asked him, “Rick, how was the new school?” And he said: “Oh, it’s OK, Dad. But boy, some of those teachers.” I could see that he was distressed, and I said, “What happened?” He said: “Dad, I wasn’t even halfway in the door, really I was just walking in, when this man teacher saw me and came running over and screamed at me, ‘My, my, look at the little girl.’” Now, what that teacher was reacting to was, my son had long hair at the time, down to his shoulders. And this teacher had a way of thinking, apparently, where he thought he as the authority knew what was right, that there was a right way to wear hair, and that if somebody doesn’t do things the right way, then you have to shame them or guilt them or punish them into doing it. I felt sad to hear that my child would be greeted that way his first moment in the new school. And I said, “How did you handle it?” And he said, “Dad, I remembered what you said, that when you’re in a place like that, never to give them the power to make you submit or rebel.” Well, I was delighted that he would remember that abstract principle at such a time. And I told him I was glad that he remembered it, and I said, “How did you handle the situation?” He said: “Dad, I also did what you suggested, that when people are talking to me that way, to try to hear what they’re feeling and needing and not take it personally. Just to try to hear their feelings and needs.” I said, “Wow, am I glad that you thought to do that. What did you hear?” He said, “Dad, it was pretty obvious. I heard that he was irritated and wanted me to cut my hair.” “Oh,” I said, “how did that leave you feeling, to receive his message in that way?” And he said: “Dad, I felt really sad for the man. He was bald, and seemed to have a problem about hair.”14 RAISING CHILDREN COMPASSIONATELY RCC.1e.6p.int.sb.qxp:Raising Children Compassionately Page 13, 14 © 2010 PuddleDancer Press www.NonviolentCommunication.com

Het maken van onderscheid
Je kunt je naar mijn idee afvragen of het maken van onderscheid in Goed en Fout ons wel zoveel helpt als we zelf denken. Ik gaf in november een lezing met de titel “Conflict als hulpbron in de zoektocht naar verbinding” waarin ik dieper hier op in ga. Deze lezing kun je vinden onder gratis downloads.

Ik wens een ieder meer verbondenheid, begrip, samenwerking en een Gelukkig Nieuwjaar !